LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

It's time to
UPDATE
YOUR
BOOKMARKS
Since I finally got cool enough to get my own actual website, all future posting will be at:
http://www.rachaelgettingbetter.com/
Don't complain, just do it.
And don't complain about the mess either. This endeavor has been HARD, and I'm still sorting out things,so don't be surprised to see changes every so often. I have plans for all sorts of fun stuff (that I'm keeping secret for now.)

I'm not normally this pushy, but I'm excited. Also it's 3am and I need to get to sleep.
THANKS FOR READING!!

A good man

This one is a little mushy. I won't go into detail over the silly things that managed to bring me to tears last night, but through it all, there is one constant.

For anybody that's spent much time with Brandon and I together, it seems perfectly obvious why we exist as a couple. And while he's been such a force in my life these past five years, I don't want to say that I take him for granted. Sometimes, still, his understanding of my brain as well as my emotions blows me away. Or maybe it's not so much that he understands the causes and mysteries inside my head and heart, but he sure knows how to manage me when it all starts pouring out (or becomes evident that I'm bottling it up).
There were more than a few days at the beginning of 'us' when he'd become frustrated or upset at not being able to find a fix for my funk. And after telling him over and over to not feel so responsible for my personal happiness every moment of every day, he began to devise a tactic to deal with me in his own way. And these days he's seemed to have perfected it, and is quite the pro at handling all my weird dreams, obsessions, mood swings, aches and complaints, thanks in large part to my pregnancy.
(Disclosure: I'm probably prone to these things any old day, but my filter is much depleted.)
So thank you to the man who does not try to fix me, only find a way to comfort me. From making me laugh to a well timed hug, to insisting I vent about whatever is making me sigh very loudly over and over, he just defuses me. And yes, even on the rare occasions where he might actually be the problem, at least from my perspective, his quickness to apologize often makes me realize I too am to blame, and opens up the floor for a real discussion of what went wrong.
I only hope that we can share many, many more decades like the past few years. And through all the challenges we face, I pray his goodness endures and continues to bring out the best in me.

The last week

Today commences Brandon's last week at his job down the street. Next week he'll be driving to and from Huntington every day, until we at last finish renovating this house and are able to move.
This is probably one of the biggest changes we've faced together thus far. At least it feels that way to me, since his job, despite varying degrees of uncertainty, has afforded us a lot of comfort, both in actual income and proximity to home. Yes, there have been other 'big changes' like me quitting my job (and then starting to work from home), us getting a puppy (and getting an eye opener on what sleep deprivation really means), and of course, getting married (which hardly feels like a change at all, in a good way).
It's also weird because it feels like something we've been waiting on is finally happening. We've known that a career change like this is pretty much inevitable. And we've definitely always known that this is not the house for us to stay in while we raise a family. For one, it's just too small, and for two, working on it has led us to resent it through and through. And despite helping make many of the decisions about renovations and decorating, I don't entirely feel like this house is "ours" since Brandon bought it a few months before we met.
So I'm soaking up lunch hours together while I may. It seems kind of silly, but since I don't actually leave the house during the day, it breaks up my routine nicely, like only a smile and a kiss could.
And speaking of, it's that time...

Goodness

It's a pretty good sign that something has had a deep affect on me if I'm lying in bed thinking about it while unsuccessfully falling asleep. And when it wakes me up in the middle of the night, I know for sure that this is not something to ignore.

I'm not even sure what this is exactly, but after meeting and chatting with some wonderful local ladies at a Girls Night Out (organized by the effervescent Amber Recker) I left with a feeling that these ladies know how to get involved in their community. And as a person with more than a little passion for people, something is going to happen.

Now it's not like we don't have plenty already going on in our lives, but in all honesty I have a few hours on my hands that I can sacrifice a couple times a month. Not to mention, it's the kind of person I want to be. The kind of mother and example I want to be for my child(ren).

I know this is a very ambiguous and vague middle of the night kind of post, but I'm excited for the potential!

Finally

Today I went back to my CNM here in Fort Wayne. After endlessly considering the pros & cons of going to the birth center in Goshen, I came across a fun fact that made my head spin: at a birth center, I would be sent home somewhere between 5 to 8 hours after giving birth.
Now I can see why this is a huge plus for some people. Get home, get settled, keep your life as 'unnecessary medicine' free as you possibly can. But this is not for Brandon and me. While I'm pretty opposed to having interventions and pain killers during the delivery process, I don't think it would be beyond me to get a tiny bit of relief after the fact. Also, I would like to get a couple hours of sleep before being tossed out into the world with just my husband and new baby. I don't think this is selfish at all, either. If I can come home feeling that much more prepared to care for this brand new person, I will wait a day or two in the hospital.

Also, I really like Andrea. She's funny and down to earth, caring but relate-able. I feel comfortable in that office, and I know Brandon is much relieved to be keeping things closer to home. Even though he would never say it, I know how much he worries about the 'what if something goes wrong?' and I can't say that I blame him. If I had lost my mother that young, I don't know how I would have coped. So despite all my fussing and freaking out, I think this will be where we stay. I'm planning on setting up tours of both hospitals (Parkview North and Dupont) so we can get a feel for how things will be going on that one crazy beautiful day.

And finally, in four weeks we will (maybe) know the gender of our baby. Brandon is as adamant as ever about finding out, and my repulsion has turned slowly into ambivalence. I'm secretly hoping that they just can't tell because of the way the baby is positioned, but I won't be disappointed if we get an obvious look into our future in parenting.

And that's enough baby talk for now, so I'm going to find myself some lunch!